You got me thinking 'bout our life, a house and kids...

So, slight change in costume. Turns out the orginal one was on backorder so Ricca and I went to a Halloween superstore in Massachusetts and got my costume:

I have the black dress, boa and headband but I have fishnets and 3 inch heels to wear. Ricca said I'll be lucky to make it to the party! HAHA.

I got a text this morning asking me if I wanted to go to another Halloween party tonight after the one we are planning on going too. Of course I said yes. I haven't gone out on Halloween in soooo long, I am going to take full advantage of it! For the last 4 years, every time we were invited to a party, Dan would not let me go. His ex-wife was always invited and he didn't want us in the same room so I didn't go. I stayed home and moped and he came home drunk and passed out and I cried because I didn't trust that he didn't do anything while he was there. I really don't know why I put myself through the torture I did, but at least I finally woke up! I keep telling Ricca he came along at the right time!

Ricca spent the night Wednesday and I told him something I have NEVER told anyone before. I don't know why and I don't know what brought it up. Well actually I do. We were talking about being able to trust people and I finally broke down and told him why I had such a hard time trusting any male figure in my life, relative or friend. It all stems from way back when I was a child and I've blocked out alot but it all came to the surface Wednesday. I guess I must really trust him since I told him what I did and he told me he was honored, for lack of a better word, that he was the first one I had told.

Last night, Ricca and I went to see the Boondock Saints Double Feature at the local cinema. Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day was released in only 16 cinemas at midnight and we were lucky enough to be one. They showed the original at 10 and then obviously the new one at midnight. OMG! I loved Boondock Saints but seriously you HAVE to see the second one! Soooo good. Same characters, just 10 years old. It's an amazing movie!

Is it wrong that only after 4 months Ricca and I feel so strongly about each other? I know he is only 21 but I am finding myself falling head over heels in love with him. He tells me all the time how amazing I am and how he can't believe I ever fell for a guy like him. I can't explain it but he makes me feel so good about myself. I don't have much self esteem, as you can probably tell by reading this blog, but he manages to make me feel like I am queen all the time. I get random texts at work telling me he misses me or he loves me. He has me dreaming about having more kids. He talks about us getting married and having kids. He talks about me being Mrs. Ricca and usually that would scare me, but it doesn't anymore. I would love to be able to give Jonathan a little sister or brother. I would love to get remarried to someone who I know I can trust to take care of me, my son and our children. I'm just so in love with Ricca...

WOW!

It was amazing! First time for him or not!

I love this boy!

I want to be with this boy!

I may lose my family because I am happy with this boy!

The funny thing is....I don't care anymore!

Advice is welcome! Thanks!

So this year is the first year I have ever had an adult halloween party to go to. Usually, I am left at home while he gets to go because the ex-wife was always invited and he didn't want us in the same room. (Side note: I am slowly realizing just how blind I was to things he was doing).

Anyway this is the costume I am wearing:

It's called "Queen of Darkness". I really didn't know what to be but this cosutme caught my eye because it's sexy, yet covers all my "not so nice" areas. Ricca is going as The Joker (which I might say, he looks eerily like with the makeup).

Speaking of Ricca, we've been seeing each other for a little over 4 months now but nothing official until last week, I guess you could say. I have seen him every day since Saturday the 10th, whether it be at work or just us, and I still want to spend more time with him. I find my mind wandering to him at random points of the day. Once in a while when I am not expecting it, a text message will pop up on my phone from him telling me he misses me and can't wait to see me. I know I sound all girly and such but it's been a long time since I have been able to fully trust someone not to hurt me. If we don't work out, so be it, but I know it won't be because he lied to me or cheated on me.

Ricca spent the night at my place last night and it was nice to have someone to go to sleep and wake up with. I miss that, especially with someone who loves me like he says he does. Things got kinda hot and heavy at one point but then I got scared, that's right, me! I was afraid that I wouldn't live up to his expectations of what sex/making love was really like. He looked at me and said "Remember I have no clue what I am doing" and I think I just froze. It's been a long long time since I have been with someone who is that inexperienced. He wants me to "teach" him but I'm scared too. I mean I'm his first. You always remember your first...right? I don't want it to be disappointing. Geez...who would have thought at the age of almost 31, that I would be in this predicament? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

My mother is really starting to drive me insane. She is such a drama queen, seriously! I am not supposed to talk to one of my friends because she is "evil" in my mom's eyes. This friend (who is alot younger) and my brother tried to have a relationship and it didn't work out. Neither of them really knew what they wanted and in the end, she decided it really wasn't worth the hassle. She is in school in South County and he lives up here. She used to come home on the weekends until she quit working at the restaurant and that's when they would, maybe, see each other. My brother will be 21 in 2 months and she is 18. They are young. It's not like this is going to be the first heartache my brother has had. Where was my mom when I went through my first heartache? She wasn't there for me. I am not trying to sound childish but my brother has to realize that life isn't always rainbows and flowers, there are going to be thunder clouds too. I love the kid to death but, it didn't work. Maybe in the future it will but don't make us who love you cut off all contact with friends. I don't invite her to come out with us if I know my brother is there. Hell the only time I talk to her in on Facebook. We have each other's numbers but I never text her and vice versa.

My mom is not sure if she is coming to the party at the restaurant next week because she thinks everyone is talking about her behind her back and feels left out because they don't invite her to go out with them. Mom, you are 50, they are in there 20's and 30's. Besides there are a couple people there that you don't want to be seen in public with if they have been drinking. I've done it and it's not pretty. It's rather embarrassing actually! I have no desire to go out with these certain people ever again. Yes I hang out with the people from there but they are only a few years younger than me, not 20 or 30 years younger. Mom doesn't have any friends to go out with her own age. It's not that they are old, it's just they are all married and have families or whatever. Both of my mom's kids are grown and pretty much self-sufficient. She doesn't have anyone to take care of anymore except her parents and they drive her nuts. She is miserable and expects the rest of us to be miserable with her.

I have been trying to cheer her up as much as I can. I bought her tickets to go Ghost Hunting at a local restaurant for her birthday (which is next week). I try to include her in things but I don't think it's my responsibility to make sure she is content. Is it?

Well I guess I have rattled on enough. I'll take some advice on either situation! Thanks in advance.